The first time

For the first time in my whole life, I'm travelling when almost everybody is still sleeping. It's quite a surprise even for me that I manage to do this on my own. I've longed for this moment to arrive but I've never thought that it will be this challenging. KL Sentral is a totally different place tonight. No rush, no kids, no trains, only McD n Seven Eleven + a few travellers. It's a quiet n peaceful environment as oppose to the busy and hectic city days.

So here I am, sitting in this corner, writing about this experience. An unexpected journey which I'll appreciate forever =) An attempt to surprise my mom n family. Wish me luck.

Love... Asri

Inilah yang terbaik

Kata itu semuanya dusta

Ceritera yang tidak akan pernah aku laungkan

untuk didengari dan dihayati

seluruh pelosok duniawi

Kerna semua itu hanyalah mimpi

Yang pasti tidak akan aku gapai

di dunia realiti.

Bersalahkah aku untuk bermimpi

Dipeluk dengan penuh rasa kasih

Ditatang dengan penuh rasa sayang

Sedangkan aku juga mahu menyayangi

Mempunyai seorang teman untuk berkongsi

Tanpa sebarang motif atau ilusi

Salahkah aku untuk berharap

menemui seorang yang boleh aku percayai

Untukku hamparkan seluruh jiwaku

Kerana aku percayakan hubungan itu?

Aku kering dan gering untuk menunggu

ibarat mencari air di tengah padang pasir

Sebak, sendiri.

Mampukah aku? Layakkah aku?

Air mata ini sudah letih mengalir

Mengenang semua janji yang takkan pernah termakbul

Aku mengerti dan aku fahami

Takdirku sebegini.

Lalu biarkanlah aku sendiri

Kerna bagiku,

Inilah yang terbaik...

Thousand Years

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

-Sonnet 18, William Shakespeare 

p/s: Song by Christina Perri, soundtrack for Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed that I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Ceritera

Pencarian, penemuan, penerimaan

Penderitaan, pertanyaan, pertuduhan

Semua imbuhan itu bergelumang, hanyut

dalam telaga keruh tidak berpenghuni

Membiarkan semuanya tenggelam

lemas dalam pelukan kekalutan

hitam, kelam, malap

Ibarat menuju penghujung yang tiada

dalam kewujudan.

Kekalutan dan kehancuran itu

tidak akan pernah aku dustakan

Mengapa harus aku padam memori itu

Ingatan yang mendewasakan

Mengajar aku erti sebenar kehidupan

Mendidik aku menjadi tegar

Menempuh badai menggulung yang cuba

mengguling. Mengiringi aku ke lembah terasing.

Ibarat beting pasir di tengah lautan

Dikelilingi kebiruan,dilitupi keputihan

disapa kesepian berseorangan.

Aku mungkin bukan yang pertama

Tapi aku bukan yang terakhir

Buat kesekian kali ceritera ini bercerita

Mengarang sebuah lagenda lupa

Coretan insan tanpa permata

Tinta tubuh tidak berjiwa

Tanda kasih pada dunia hinggap

Yang bakal tamat...

Bila-bila masa.

Beribu Sesalan

p/s: The divas: Jaclyn Victor, Ning Baizura, Shila Amzah


Ku susuri malam ini

Yang tidak berbintang sunyi sepi
Juga rembulan dah menghilang
Dalam kelam ku sendiri

Ku mencari hembus bayu
Yang selalu berbisik madah rindu
Kini membisu dalam sayu
Tidak ku temu suaramu

Kekasihku di jalanan yang berliku

Di saat ku perlukanmu
Tertutup jua segalanya terhadapmu
Di sini ku tersedu-sedu

Setelah cinta pergi
Ku mengusung duka ini diiringi
Kisah janji dimungkiri lagi

Kekasihku di jalanan yang berliku
Di saat ku perlukanmu
Tertutup jua segalanya terhadapmu
Di sini ku tersedu-sedu

Setelah cinta pergi
Ku mengusung duka ini
Diiringi

Kisah janji
Dimungkiri
Dimungkiri

Sia-sia ku
Mencintaimu
Setia padamu
Percayakanmu

Sebak dadaku
Retak hatiku
Luka jiwaku
Dihiris pilu

Sia-siaku
Mencintaimu
Setia padamu
Percayakanmu

Sebak dadaku
Retak hatiku
Luka jiwaku
Dihiris pilu

Beribu sesalanku

Waiting Outside The line

p/s: This song is popularise by Greyson Chance. Enjoy it...

You’ll never enjoy your life,

living inside the box

You’re so afraid of taking chances,

how you gonna reach the top?

Rules and regulations,

force you to play it safe

Get rid of all the hesitation,

it’s time for you to seize the day

Instead of just sitting around

and looking down on tomorrow

You gotta let your feet off the ground,

the time is now

I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,

I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

Try to have no regrets

even if it’s just tonight

How you gonna walk ahead

if you keep living behind

Stuck in my same position,

you deserve so much more

There’s a whole world around us,

just waiting to be explored

Instead of just sitting around

and looking down on tomorrow

You gotta let your feet off the ground,

the time is now, just let it go

The world will force you to smile

I’m here to help you notice the rainbow

Cause I know,

What’s in you is out there

I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting,

I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

I’m trying to be patient (I’m trying to be patient)

the first step is the hardest (the hardest)

I know you can make it,

go ahead and take it

I’m Waiting, waiting, just waiting I’m waiting

I’m waiting, waiting, just waiting

I’m waiting, waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

Waiting outside the lines

You’ll never enjoy your life

Living inside the box

You’re so afraid of taking chances,

How you gonna reach the top?

Tarian Kehidupan

Mata pena ini terus menari

Bertingkah mengikut rentak hancur

Bergerak berlandas angin kelabu

Meliuk dihembus ombak salju

Apakah semua ini butiran yang wujud

Dalam roda hidupku?

Dalam degupan nadiku?

Aku ingin mencari sesuatu yang baru

Di mana aku akan diterima

- bermaknakah penerimaan itu?

Ya, aku hanya mahu hidup tanpa rasa bisa

Ibarat hempedu dipijak, diinjak, dijejak.

Bebas.

Namun, adakah bebas dalam kamus kehidupan?

Bebas total, penuh - menuju kehancuran,

kebinasaan

Aku tidak sanggup lagi untuk hidup

terus dalam gelumang dunia itu

Aku serik? Tidak, aku hanya mahu mencuba

Mencuba suatu yang baru

Yang mungkin bisa menerima aku

Biasakah bisa yang sebati ini dicabut, rentap

dari kalbu hitamku?

Aku berserah setelah segala yang berlaku

Membiar pena ini terus menari

Mencoret masa dan ketika

Hingga sampai saat akhirnya

Aku terhenti...

A New Step

This is what I chose. I am earning my living. It's enough to bother my family again. Now it' time to get anything I want with my bare hands. It's not easy to live like this, but I'll manage it because this is my choice. Gotta go, something important's coming up. Bye.

Black smoke

The sky is clear, for the first time since then,

The earth stood its ground,

The wind filled the empty spaces between them,

Just like how I dreamt it to be

But without one tiny drop;

Me.

Insignificant, intolerable, disposable,

Like a sand by the beach, pulled by the wave,

Isolating... Creating an out of place land

Called island.

Here, with myself, counting the days,

When is it going to end? O please be faster!

I can't wait any longer...

The patch of light is not helpful,

Burning, grilling, toasting,

into ashes.

Blown away by the gentle wind, caressing,

The heart that was once mine,

The limb that was once ours,

The rock that was once a witness,

Salving the red scars with blue droplets

Leaving a vio-let mark covered by the grey dust.

It's my choice, my decision,

An implied action without expression,

Nobody needs the reason.

Thus, the growth means nothing for everything.

It's long forgotten - intentionally.

Why? That's the only way I know how to...

Breath.

Shit!

Can't I fu*king hate this world for making me alive?

I can't coz that means hating my beautiful parents

Can't I fu*king hate the breath that I took every second?

I can't coz that means hating Him

Can't I fu*king hate my surrounding for everything?

I can't coz they've been gracious enough to let me in

Then what fu*king left for me to hate?

Only me, myself and I...

Is this some kind of a fu*king sick joke

played upon my birth

to be curse into this non-acceptance

for every step I take

Am I that filthy that no one can be near me?

Am I that disgusting that no one care for me?

Am I that cheap that no one can be sincere with me?

What're the reasons for my fu*king existence around these people anyway?

I'm just a tool, yes! A TOOL!

A fu*king fool tool that can be threw away whenever and wherever

A foolish bastard that no one deem to know

the mere existence.

How idiotic of me to think that I'll be accepted as I am...

Fu*king pathetic.

p/s: sorry for the harsh words, I just need to let these things out or I'll burst...

What Are Words

Hello guys, it has been a long time since I posted anything in this blog. So here is a song that I've recently found. The words are truly powerful (at least to me). Hope u guys enjoy it. the singer is Chris Medina.

Anywhere you are, I am near

Anywhere you go, I'll be there

Anytime you whisper my name, you'll see

How every single promise I keep

Cuz what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

What are words

If you really don't mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they're only for good times

Then they don't

When it's love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we're gone

And I know an angel was sent

just for me And I know I'm meant

to be where I am And I'm gonna be

Standing right beside her tonight

And I'm gonna be by your side

I would never leave when she needs me most

What are words

If you really don't mean them

When you say them

What are words

If they're only for good times

Then they don't

When it's love

Yeah, you say them out loud

Those words, They never go away

They live on, even when we're gone

Anywhere you are, I am near

Anywhere you go, I'll be there

And I'm gonna be here forever more

Every single promise I keep

Cuz what kind of guy would I be

If I was to leave when you need me most

I'm forever keeping my angel close

bumi asing

tanah ini belum pernah aku jejaki

deruan angin ini belum pernah aku rasai

binaan ini belum pernah aku temui

terasingkah aku?

tidak, semua itu hanya khayalan yang aku cipta

hanya omongan yang aku reka

hanya seruan yang aku suarakan

kerna aku mahu bermula baru

bermula dari titik ini

bermula semula mencari erti diri

mampukah aku temui zarah itu?

kerna yang tinggal kini hanya sebuah

perjalanan...

Titian Hidup

Aku sayang mereka

Aku hargai mereka

Namun aku tidak mengerti bagaimana

Harus aku tunjukkan pada mereka

Setiap detak harapan jauh di lubuk hatiku ini

Adakah ini penyudah kepada semua persoalan

Yangku rasakan tidak mampu untukku tanggung

Yang tak mampuku pikul

Yang tak mampuku gendong

Perlukah aku mencari semua titik-titik

Penyambung kehidupan ini

Atau haruskah aku berserah pada takdir

Dan membiarnya hanyut bersama duniaku

Ini bukan dunia aku!

Ini bukan udara aku,

Ini bukan nyawa aku!

Ini bukan pilihan aku

Kerna semua ini tanggungjawabku...

Amanah yang tak mungkin terpikulkan

Amanah yang tidak dapat disempurnakan

Amanah yang pasti dipersoalkan

Di suatu dunia baru asli

Satu hari nanti.

Aku merintih, aku meratap,

Aku mengharapkan kesudahan yang baik

Namunku tak pasti adakah ia milikku

Kerna aku sedar siapa aku

Kerna aku ingat segala tingkahku

Kerna aku faham balasan buatku

Mereka bilang aku sombong

Bongkak, lalai denagn nikmat dunia

Tapi aku harap, semua ini tak akan memesongkan aku

Dari laluan Mustaqim

Ku harapkan bimbingan-Mu

Buat terakhir kali...

Asyhadu Allailahaillallah, Waasyhaduanna Muhammadurrasulullah

Allahuakhbar.

p/: Kesedihan membelenggu namun hidup harus terus maju. Akankah tiba ruang yang amat kudambakan itu?

Ya Allah, permudahkanlah aku...

Dunia Itu

Dunia itu…

Adakah ia punya milikku?

Atau aku hanya sekadar secebis kuman di tengah pusaran

Yang pasti menghanyutkan,

Menyesatkan,

Mengabaikan,

Mencercakan,

Mencelakan sekeping daging

Bernama hati.

Aku sedar bahawa dunia ini:

Dunia yang penuh keasyikkan ini,

Tidak sempurna

Tidak bernyawa

Tidak berirama

Selari dengan nafas dunia nyata

Kerna ini hanyalah dunia

Ciptaan aku semata-mata.

Dunia milikku…

Dimana aku pemiliknya,

Dimana aku pengikutnya,

Dimana aku pesalahnya…

Semuanya kerna,

Aku tahu aku takkan diterima

Dalam dunia nyata.

Mampukah sesuatu membawaku pulang?

Menarikku ke jalan keduniaan?

Menyediakan aku ke jalan kemudian?

Menyucikan aku untuk kesekian kali?

Memimpinku ke jambatan hakiki?

Memastikan aku diterima kembali?

TIDAK!

Aku tidak yakin dengan diriku sendiri…

Kini aku hanya membiarkan nasibku

Beromongan sendiri

Jauh dari masyarakat duniawi

Kerna yang penting kini

Hanyalah redha-Mu;

Ya Ilahi…

p/s: Congrates Topazians for winning another Bangsawan trophy...

I'm an emo?

Hi guys, it's good to write something again although there's no one who will care about anything that I've wrote here. As I've said before, it's my sanctuary so I can write anything that I want here. He3, enough with all those nonsense, we'll go straight to the core of this post.

I believe I'm an emo. Ha3, go figure. Sometimes I'll feel very happy and in a second I'll become moody. Is there's any explanation on this change of mood. It's like a mood swing (though I'm never going to have period - lol).

To be more specific, I don't feel a damn thing right now. I know I'm quite disappointed with my performance in my recent final papers but all those regrets and remorse disperse simply just like the bubble on the beach. Am I being ignorant of my own feelings or am I simply don't care any more about my life. I'm miserable but I went through life as nothing is wrong. At one point or another, I feel like I'm living a pathetic life but that is the challenge that I need to face to have a meaningful life. Right?

I so don't know what to do right now even though this is my final examination week. I so don't have the will to push myself any more. Will I regret this moment later in my life? Can I simply shut my eyes and ignore everything that revolves around me? I seriously hope I could.

God, help me as I'm truly lost right now!

What am I going to be?

Hello guys. How's your week so far? Hope everything is good. Moving on to my topic for today; What am I going to be in 5 years time? Some of us might think that this is not a question to be asked to a 20 years old person. However, as wise man says "Our step today decides where we will land tomorrow." It is such a simple question but it is very hard to answer.

There's only one reason why I'm asking this.

1) I'm starting to doubt the choice of my future career!

I'm in a very massive dilemma whether to still involve myself in the world of numbers or take a 180' turn into the literature world. Why future is so complicated? Why can't it be as simple as choosing an ice cream flavour?

I'm at a junction which I seriously hate!

Btw, tomorrow I'll be facing my toughest paper of all time; Further Maths Applied. Am I ready yet? I really hope I am ready but again, NO SLEEP FOR ME TONIGHT!

p/s: Just hope that I'll not be late to the exam hall as my previous Further Maths Pure paper...

Rolling in the deep

Sorry guys, I'm freaking cold right now in the IT Lab although this is Malaysia (I wonder how freezing it could be out there in Scotland). Enough with that, I think that this is a very nice song to be sang (feels like singing it out loud right in this room - lol). Here it is, Adele...

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.
Finally I can see you crystal clear
Go ahead and sell me out and I'll lay your ship bare.

See how I'll leave, with every piece of you
Don't underestimate the things that I will do.

There's a fire starting in my heart,
Reaching a fever pitch and it's bring me out the dark.

The scars of your love, remind me of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

Baby I have no story to be told
But I've heard one of you and I'm gonna make your head burn,
Think of me in the depths of your despair
Making a home down there as mine sure won't be shared

The scars of your love, remind you of us.
They keep me thinking that we almost had it all
The scars of your love, they leave me breathless
I can't help feeling
We could of had it all

Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it
To the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
But you played it
With a beating

Throw your soul threw every open door
Count your blessings to find what you look for
Turn my sorrow into treasured gold
You pay me back in kind and reap just what you sow

We could of had it all
We could of had it all
We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand
And you played it to the beat

We could of had it all
Rolling in the deep
You had my heart inside your hand

But you played it,
You played it,
You played it
You played it to the beat

EXAMS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF..... Why the heck the questions are so hardddd.....

I know that it is partly my fault (fornotstudyingenoughandfocusinthenotes). But still, I didn't study that much for last year's papers but I still manage to get good result on harder papers... Urggghhhh. I'm so stress right now. I just hope that I can compensate my faults these past years in my next paper. Further Maths Applied... God help me as I'm begging You to grant me this wish; I want to fly to UK. Begging without any effort from my side will not gives me anything. So, starting from today, STUDY and don't procrastinate. It's a waste of 2 years if I didn't fly at the end... Hu3...

p/s: This is more of a reminder for me as it is also for others, STUDY!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jendela

Mungkin kau telah bosan

Bersandiwara di pentas tanpa pelita

Mungkin kau telah temui

Cahaya neon penghias dunia duka

Kelam tapi tenteram

Seperti hatiku di saat ini.

Dia hadir setelah semuanyaku kambus

Ku tanam sedalam mungkin jauh ke dasar hati

Kerna aku tak sanggup - 

merintih lagi.

Menunggu ombak segar pabila tsunami

Namun dia merubah dan menggubah

Semuanya menjadi mungkin.

Datangnya tak pernah aku duga

Namun kelopak mawar itu takkanku persia

Segalanya mungkin hilang setelah seketika

Namun harumannya akanku puja sepanjang masa

Aku tak berani membuka semua pintu hatiku

Cukuplah sekadarku selak jendela

Untuk kebahagiaan itu bertapak semula.

Penakut?

Ya, itu aku. Tapi takutku punya pengertian

Bukan omongan kosong yang menjengkelkan

Bukan prasangka yang tidak beralasan

Bukan kiasan menutup kekhilafan

Aku dalam penuh kesedaran

Membina angan-angan yang aku harap

Takkan berkecai.

Semuanya kini aku serahkan pada-Mu

kerna...

Aku cinta padamu.

Sometimes

Sometimes I wonder why did

All these things happened

Yesterday’s rain drop keeps on spitting those curses

On this otherwise fragile land

Whom life depends on the stars

Bringing me back to six feet under

The extravagant towers, suffocating him

To no end.

Perhaps this is his destiny on this journey

Flew like the wind; unseen

Leaving marks for others but nothing left

For himself. They think it’s fair.

“The world revolves continuously whether you like it or not,

And your mere existence causes nothing.”

Like an arrow from the inferno

Stabbing me straight to the core.

Do I have one?

Keep on searching but not looking

Keep on targeting but not aiming

Keep on chanting but not listening

Where does that put us?

A lab rat ready to be sacrificed, willingly or not

I’m jealous of the rascal under the harbour stairs

Hidden yet successful

In making its own existence known

He’ll climb the stairs - halfway

Then turns back forever just like the previous affairs

Leaving me stuck on the bottomless pit

Of a black hole -

Alone.

Hati

Berkata pada yang melihat,

berbisik pada yang mendengar,

Berlagu pada yang rindu,

Bertasbih pada yang satu,

Mampukah aku terus hidup dalam kepompong nafsu,

Yang membakar hingga mati semua zarah kecilku.

Aku tahu itu semua salahku, silapku, khilafku,

Namun masih adakah ruang untuk kuperbetul

Semua rongga yang telah aku tebuk dengan sepenuh nyawa

Masih adakah ruang untukku bernafas semula,

Masih adakah tinta untuk ku sebar pada semua,

Bahawa aku juga insan biasa.

Tersimpang aku dari jalan itu bukan hanya kerna dia,

Bukan hanya kerna mereka,

Bukan hanya kerna dunia,

Tapi kerna aku terleka dengan mainan mata,

Yang sentiasa menggoda, menarik, memujuk,

Agar aku jatuh ke lembah noda.

Aku masih sedar gerakan tanganku,

Aku melihat langkah kakiku,

Aku merasa kelembutan itu,

Namun hatiku terus membatu kelu,

Mengeras bagai berlian hitam yang tak mungkin terpecahkan,

Mungkinkah?

Adakah masih ada waktu untukku kembali pada hari itu,

Hari aku tercipta hanya untuk memohon,

Aku tak mampu!

Kiniku hanya menunggu waktu dan ketika,

Detik akhir untukku katakan pada semua,

"Jangan dirindui diri ini kerna aku tak layak menerimanya."

Trials

First of all, I'm so proud of my previous school as they managed to get the 2nd place for the SPM 2010 results. Congratulations juniors TGBians. I'm pleased to acknowledge you guys as my juniors. With a GPA of 0.91, you guys have set a very high standard for our college.

Next on my list, trials. I will have to face 12 papers in 2 weeks starting this Monday. Arggghhhhh. Can I do this? Will I get a good result from it? How am I going to get an excellent result when all I'm doing is playing games. Lol. Seriously, I'm spending most of time playing games these days. Asri!!!!!! Wake up from this dreamland and prepare for the ultimate battle!!!

updates

Well hello guys... It has been quite some time since I last wrote something here. Still in my holiday mood right now. Tomorrow I'll be back in Lembah Beringin, my beloved blue college. But before that, I want to enjoy my last day as a free man today because starting tomorrow and once I step my foot on KYUEM compound, I'm stuck for about 3 whole months. Stress!!

But still, it is for my own good. Exams with 12 papers, I'l nail it to the top. A*A*A*; that's my target. See you guys (KY citizen... lol) tomorrow onwards. For the others, take care and till my next coming post. The creative section is in a terrible need of ideas. Yearbook!! Got to go... Take care guys, bye...

Finally...

Hello guys. Last night has been a  very hectic night for me. Making sure that the performers' attire are good and ready were so tiring. Thankfully, we won the best traditional dance and the best choreography awards! Congratulations to Fathin for her great choreography and not forgetting, the committed dancers; Athira, Faara, Yasmin, Fira, Nurin, Syahira, Syida, Alia, Faiza, Meredith and Carolyn. You guys have shown me that all our hard works paid off.

To the dikir barat team, don't be sad because the journey have been so intriguing and great that for me you guys are the real winner. Some may ask me why? It's mainly because, in any performance win or loose is inevitable. But you guys have shown me that you guys can be together in this desperate condition to learn and to take the initiative of learning the Malay culture. And for that, I as the younger generation of the nation are so proud of you guys. You guys rock!

Topazians, tonight all of you have shown me that it is not all about being a winner, instead, respecting the others and enjoying the moment were far more important in any event. Again, all of you are the winners. Congratulations!

Congrates also to the Diamonders for clenching the First place in dikir barat. But I didn't see the performance! Abang RC, quickly put out the video, I want to see it.

Victory and hardship...

We've won the first place for boys volleyball last week. Unfortunately, we failed to repeat the double winning performance like last year as our girls team only manage to sweep the second runner-up placing. But the journey is everything to us and I'm truly excited to know that my house-mates actually know how to play volleyball.

This week, our main target is to clench the first place in Dikir Barat and Traditional Dance which will took place this Wednesday night. I'm so nervous with our dikir performance as right now they still need a lot more practice to perform well. I'm quite confident with our dance team lead by Fathin as I've seen them worse than now and I truly believe that all of them are the best that we can ever ask for. My juniors, congratulations as you guys have shown your full commitment in making this an experience that I will never forget. Best of luck for this Wednesday night and I personally believe you guys can do it. Do this for yourself and not for others and the enjoyment will follow you every step towards victory.

"Those who quit will never know the sweet taste of reaching the end with proud and dignity."

Is it?

I'm so tired these couple of days... I don't know why. Maybe because of lack of sleep, and maybe it is caused by something else. Do I know what is it? No! I can only predict what it is but it may be wrong. A medical check-up might be useful then. Nothing else to write here. Vacant space. Night all...

abstract

Something that can be interpreted in so many ways could be called abstract. Some may find beauty in it, some may found despair while the others; happiness. Some may relate it to themselves while some might take it on the face value. Some may found meaning while the other; emptiness. These are the things that can be questioned and thought by all of us, human beings.

Life is an abstract as we're the brush that whisk through the canvas of life. We're the deciding factor whether life is enjoyable or not. We're the rain that nurture this land of life according to our own imagination and we're the fertilizer that makes this land fertile and luxuriant. But do we realise that all that happened in this world are related directly or indirectly to us? Let us go through some current issues that occur right in front of our eyes.

Global warming. The most hazardous phenomena that caused by human's thirst of development and pride. Do we noticed that every technology in our environment contributes to this man-related destruction? It is true that our scientists are currently trying their best to invent products and other technology that is environmental friendly but what did us, as the consumer do? Do we still use plastic bags? Do we still burnt openly? Do we still throw the rubbish outside the garbage? Yes! We still do this.

Then how are we going to have a happy, cheerful and peace abstract of life if we cannot even conduct these simple things? We claimed that the world is dying but do we help in rejuvenating it? We claimed that the river is polluted but do we help in making it clear? We claimed that the morals of the youngsters are worsening but do we help in bringing them back to the correct path? We claimed the the kids are becoming big-headed but do we help in disciplining them?

Now where do we went wrong. With what ink do we paint our canvas? Is it black, white or rainbow-like colours. All in all, we have the ability to decide what will happened in our lives and what we do today will be reflected in the future. Do we want a clear and happy life? You decide.

Goo bye, Goo bye, Goo bye.

“Someone, please hold me!

I’m falling deeper and deeper into this

Unending bottomless well

I’m cold. I’m freezing. I’m shaking.

Are these the signs that my time is up?

Will it end slowly or abruptly?”

I’m swirling like a tornado in the meadow

Grasping the air that feels nothing.

Am I even supposed to be here?

The lamp whispers to me: “Go away.”

Seductively.

But I’ve already drowned in its glow

That blinded the pair of balls

Permanently.

I’m losing myself again

Just like every other nights before.

Eliot might say that it’s a psychological journey

But I’m wide awake right now!

I can see everything but I saw nothing

Something is happening but what is the thing?

Is it the dried rose that spoke to me now?

“You’ve reach your limit boy.”

Maybe the crinkled petals are true

Maybe it’s time for me to let everything go as

Nature intended it to.

But nature is cruel (Isn’t it?)

Don’t ask me about it; let us make our final visit.

A vast piano is waiting to play a secret melody for me,

The voice that lure me like the mermaid song

Though it was never meant for me.

Finally, something good happened (accidentally)...

The chirping sound jolted me from this

Unending story.

Will it continue or end?

Only time will tell (As if it has a mouth!)

Back to December ~ lol

Hello guys... It has been quite some time since I last post something in this sanctuary. Well, a lot have took place throughout these days. The inter-house volleyball competition (an ongoing matches), my visit (finally) to my brother's house (cute nephew and niece too), the postponed Accounting test (still on hold), Literature's essays and presentation (Austen!!), the election for the new house committee and last but not least the news on house trip and the upcoming Dikir Barat & Traditional Dance 2011.

That's quite some list I might say (sigh). Now, I'm no longer the house secretary and I'm one of the advisory members of MCC (lol). No more events to be organised! What a relief. But still, culture and heritage is in my blood so I'll not hesitate to help as far as I could in any way. I wish that this year we will manage to win back the title for Dikir Barat & Traditional Dance. It is not going to be easy I know but with determination and full commitment, I'm sure that we can do it.

My short weekend trip to my brother's house proves to be beneficial. He's still recovering from his accident a year ago and he has made quite an impressive improvement. I'm so proud to call him my brother! He has also offered me to work with him after I finish my degree. Just a normal office job but it is still a work. Hope I would be a good helper then. He looks normal to me but from what he told me, I wonder why people can be so judgemental and hypocrite to these special people. Yes, they're special! He has to take a bus from his house to go to work even with his current condition. Thus, I put him on top of my idol list (well, maybe after my mom).

Volleyball! One of the sports that I can actually enjoy apart from bowling and netball (no discrimination okay - lol). Topaz have to face two very challenging games against Sapphire and Diamond. Thankfully we won both game, both with the rubber set. It's so tiring but I actually enjoy the games. Both of the teams are very good and they performed their best for their own particular house. Volleyball Rocks!

Studies... I think I have finally gain the momentum for my study session. There're a lot of things happened around me that made me think of myself. Is it worth to spend some time reading through the notes? Is it worth my time to do the exercises? Is it worth my money to study here? The answers are yes to all those questions. I will change my mind set right now so that I'll not regret whatever happened in the future.

I think that will do for now. Next time, I'll try to update the creative section (reminding me of the Yearbook, argghhhh). Take care guys and have a great day!

~Some might told you that you're a loser. Some might told you that you're late. But remember, life is full with miracle. Your life is what you made out of each second you breath. Hence, take the big step now for a big future ahead~

~ Aku Rindu

Aku rindu pada suara itu

Aku rindu pada perbualan itu

Aku rindu pada hubungan itu

Aku rindu saat kita dahulu

Berkongsi dan mengisi tiap-tiap rompong

yang terbit dalam hati yang gersang.

Akankah saat-saat indah itu kembali

mewarnai hidupku kini?

Bisakah aku berserah pada takdir:

Menunggu hingga kau kembali menegur kehadiranku,

Menunggu hingga kau kembali mengasihiku,

Menunggu hingga kau kembali menerimaku;

Selepas segala kesilapan yang tanpa sedar

telah aku lakukan.

Maafkan aku kasih

Kerna aku tidak bisa memutar semula waktu

Membawa kita semula ke taman yang indah

Yang telah kita cipta bersama

Kerna itu juga yang aku damba

Terimalah aku kembali!

Permohonan yang lahir jauh di lubuk sanubariku ini

Agar suatu hari nanti

Kita dapat bersama semula

Meniti ronak ranjau kehidupan

Mencipta rona dunia bercahaya

Khas buat kita berdua...

A happy ending??

This holiday season started with a bad notch for me as I have my second argument with someone. I know part of it is my fault but I have no intention of not contacting you. And now, I need to check my ym 24/7 to search for any signs of forgiveness from you. I'm so sorry but I seriously didn't have time to even take out my laptop from my bag and to update my status last Saturday. I'm so sorry that it upsets you so much and now I beg for your forgiveness.

It's like a living hell here for me to wait and wait for any sign of life from you. And consequently, it reflects my life too. I'm in daze everyday, hoping that one day you will talk to me again. And until that day come, I'll keep on praying that you will forgive me and that I'll have a chance to be in your life again.

Yesterday,

The blackness keeps me alive,

Comforting me like

no other mother could ever did,

Bringing a thousand sense of joy

into my dull life.

But today,

This darkness suffocates me to no end,

This silence is killing me to the bottom

of my white bone,

It is bottomless!

I longed for those laughs and 

I wish I'll hear it again,

Soon...

Maybe the last.

Hello guys. It's been such a long time since I last update my entry here. Below is something that I wrote for Wednesday last week as at that time my friend asked me to write down something positive. Well Adit, I'm sorry but I think this will be the last entry with a hint of positive connotation from me. I don't think I'm capable of producing something useful for others any more. So enjoy this bit...

Drama

Dulu aku sendiri

Membiar semua duri ini terus menusuk

Jauh ke dalam kalbuku

Dulu aku sendiri

Membiar tembok emas ini menutup

Permata dihadapan mataku

Dulu aku sendiri

Mencari kedamaian yang ku sangka azali

Dalam kegelapan yang makin membelenggu

Kini aku kaget dalam drama ciptaanku ini

Menjadi watak-watak yang ku beri makna tersendiri

Yang tak mungkin menjadi realiti

Yang menjadi gelanggang layar perak

Memuaskan kehendak jiwaku;

Perlukah itu?

Perlukah aku menyendiri?

Perlukah aku mengasingi?

Perlukah aku menjauhi?

Atau ini hanya permainan minda yang ku sangka hakiki.

Suatu masa nanti!

Sempatkah aku melihat masa itu

Merasa denyutan nadinya

Menghilang dalam kelembutan geraknya

Bersatu dengan gemalai detiknya...

Mampukah aku menanti

Kewujudan kuasa yang akan menarikku

Keluar dari kabus

Yang telah ku pupuk sebati

Menjadi sebahagian dari identiti diriku kini

Menimbus rompong kemanusiaan

Perlukah aku menanti?

Untuk siapa aku berdiri menghala ke destinasi

Pilihan aku sendiri

Untuk siapa aku bermimpi kebebasan abadi

Ciptaan ilahi

Untuk siapa aku bernafas menyekat tapis

Norma janji

Pastinya kini aku dewasa untuk

Terus mengorak langkah mencipta

Sejarah baru hidup dalam kawanan

Insan bernama manusia.

Dark-red veil

Never thought tonight will end

With that scary note; Cutting through my soul

Letting the green moisture drips to my knee

I’ve fought for this long enough

Hoping one bright day might finally come

Immersing my life

To be taken to the next world peacefully

These eyes have shown me the truth

Of that ugly monster hiding

Inside that stunning angel

That devil wrapped neatly

Under those wrinkle; Oh, have mercy!

You can dig my heart to be left opened

You can crush my feeling to be thrown

You can tear my skin to fed the unknown

But you’ll never be safe

For I know your weaken soul

For I crave that bloody bode

For I swear on that stone

I’ll take my revenge

Once and for all.

(Don't be scared by this peeps. This was written months ago.)

Will and hope

Is it time yet for me

Is this the end of the suffering?

Is this the perfect answer?

Or is it the only way out of this cage

No one knows the exact reason but me

And why is it left hanging by this fractured thread

Do I have a reason to live?

Do I have any motivation left?

Why do me questioning this life

Am I that ungrateful?

Or I simply do not care as the wind blow anymore

Each breath I took

Each step I created

Each memory I carved

Each touch I craved

Each faith I once believed

Each eye that have been the silent killer

Each of those is now meaningless

As I don’t have any will to correct them

Letting them stroke by the gentle thunder

As if they could shatter this malice

Into pieces

Come what may

I’m letting this free

To fly and soar to the front of the heaven’s door

As that’s as far as I’m allowed to go...