I love you

Yes, that's the fact... I LOVE YOU so much, it hurts... I know I'm stupid for saying that I want us to just be friends... But please, I was hurt before and now I'm afraid of letting others into my cave again... I know I'm stupid for declining your honest intention but please forgive me... If there's still a chance for me to prove myself to you, then I will hold that opportunity close to my heart... I really need you in my life... I want you to show me the real beauty of being in love... And I want to share my life with you... Would you still allow me into your heart one more time?

I'm afraid if this realisation comes too late to my mind because I don't think I can live when you have someone else in your arms, loving them like how I should be loved... I can't afford to experience that or I'll surely collapse and shatter to pieces... I love you... The lonely time on the plane today reminds me of how I love being myself in your presence... I love you and there's no doubt about that... I love you with every fibre of my being...

I hope you can tell me; rather show me what a relationship is all about... I'm young and inexperience in love... Yes, I have lust but I hope your presence in my life can help me to channel them in the correct and loving way... I love you and it hurts being away from you... I longed for the touch, the kiss, but most importantly, YOU...

I'm scared when you didn't reply my texts... Is this the end of my possible love of a lifetime? Is this the end for us? Is this where we drift apart? Is this when I should bury my love? Is this the moment that I will regret for the rest of my life? Please, I need to talk to you... But if you think I'm too late, annoying, and an obstacle for you to find your one true love, I have no right whatsoever to push you to talk to me or even to reconsider me to be the one...

I love you... I know that loving doesn't mean having, but I want to have you in my life... I cannot be your friend only because I want more than that... I'm breaking into pieces every second, waiting for your answer and I know this is how you feel that day... I love you and I'm not ready to walk away...

Jealousy

"Jealousy is nothing more than a fear of abandonment."

I've read this in the internet and I'm still thinking, "Am I having the signs of jealousy right now?"... I sincerely cannot answer this right now. I feel like I was torn apart . I'm clueless, I'm in pain, I'm sad, I feel alone, I feel abandoned! There, I said it... I'm really scared of my feelings right now..

The person is meeting another person tonight (though it might be a total different situation). Perhaps, I really, truly love that person...

I'm scared of being left alone, again... But maybe this is for the best... The person needs their own space in life, another person who can commit to them and another person who can be easily seen in real life... not this long distance thing... Thankfully I'm going back to Kuching tomorrow, if not, I can't even think of ways to face this emotion any more... I'm going back to my sanctuary and perhaps I could stay there peacefully.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Nothing feels right any more,

Nothing feels safe any more,

I'm an open book

Ready to be explored,

Never in my life, I think of myself being in this scary spot...

Perhaps I'm right,

This is love; the one thing that everyone dreamed of,

But I don't think I'm that strong,

To have the courage to withstand this fire

To have the will to pass through the danger...

I'm flying, again,

Running away from the impending heartbreak,

Saving my little heart from shattering to pieces,

Stepped on by the wind,

Swept away by the ocean...

I'm letting myself go,

Away from the possible happiness,

Away from the possible damage,

Saving everyone but myself,

Leaving me in this doom,

For the hundredth time...

Results... Again...

Well, well, well... Here comes the most anticipating moment after 1 month of waiting... The exam result for semester 2, 2011. Unfortunately, not as I targeted (4.00)... But it is still considered as my best achievement so far (in the GPA system)...

Alhamdulillah, I did it :)

p/s: This is a VERY short post... Just wanna share my excitement with you readers... :)

New updates...

Well, well, well... First of all, I would like to wish everyone a very happy new year 2012 (though it's already the seventh day of the year - it's still new right :))... Currently I'm continuing my part time job as a cashier @ waiter in a restaurant in Kuala Selangor... I'm no longer working The Spring, Kuching, Sarawak... I don't really have a material prepared before writing this as I usually did... Nevertheless, thanks to all the new followers for supporting me and are willing to read my thoughts :)

I might be wrong here but I think someone likes me (except the one whom already confessed to me last year)... On my behalf, I do feel something but what is the feeling? Is it like? Is it pity? Is it chemistry? Is it family? Or is it LOVE? I don't even know what this is... But if it meant to last, I hope I can make it crystal clear to myself first... Furthermore, I still have 2 1/2 years to go before I finish my degree and about 2 years more for my masters plan...

Anyhow, working here have been so tiring... We closed after 12 am for 2 days in a row and it's taking it's toll on me now... I have this red marking on my body like I was attacked by a group of mosquitoes... We closed at 5 pm today so that all the workers can get some rest and we're back on business at 2.30 pm tomorrow... Hope I can get enough sleep to restore my energies :)

Now, 2011 already ended and it's time for us to prepare ourselves for 2012... My plan; work, study, get HD for all subjects, make others happy, make myself happy (if only I know how)... I also need to update this blog more often as I do need to record a few things as memories...

First thing first, an important date which will guide the rest of my degree years here in Swinburne: 20 JANUARY 2012!!! It's the results day, hu3... I'm quite afraid to know my result :( Anyway, I'm still hoping for the best...

That's all for now I think, if I have any new ideas, issues, songs, poems, or anything interesting (at least to me) I'll post it here and share it with you guys...

Best wishes & lots of love... Asri

The first time

For the first time in my whole life, I'm travelling when almost everybody is still sleeping. It's quite a surprise even for me that I manage to do this on my own. I've longed for this moment to arrive but I've never thought that it will be this challenging. KL Sentral is a totally different place tonight. No rush, no kids, no trains, only McD n Seven Eleven + a few travellers. It's a quiet n peaceful environment as oppose to the busy and hectic city days.

So here I am, sitting in this corner, writing about this experience. An unexpected journey which I'll appreciate forever =) An attempt to surprise my mom n family. Wish me luck.

Love... Asri

Inilah yang terbaik

Kata itu semuanya dusta

Ceritera yang tidak akan pernah aku laungkan

untuk didengari dan dihayati

seluruh pelosok duniawi

Kerna semua itu hanyalah mimpi

Yang pasti tidak akan aku gapai

di dunia realiti.

Bersalahkah aku untuk bermimpi

Dipeluk dengan penuh rasa kasih

Ditatang dengan penuh rasa sayang

Sedangkan aku juga mahu menyayangi

Mempunyai seorang teman untuk berkongsi

Tanpa sebarang motif atau ilusi

Salahkah aku untuk berharap

menemui seorang yang boleh aku percayai

Untukku hamparkan seluruh jiwaku

Kerana aku percayakan hubungan itu?

Aku kering dan gering untuk menunggu

ibarat mencari air di tengah padang pasir

Sebak, sendiri.

Mampukah aku? Layakkah aku?

Air mata ini sudah letih mengalir

Mengenang semua janji yang takkan pernah termakbul

Aku mengerti dan aku fahami

Takdirku sebegini.

Lalu biarkanlah aku sendiri

Kerna bagiku,

Inilah yang terbaik...

Thousand Years

So long as men can breathe or eyes can see,
So long lives this and this gives life to thee.

-Sonnet 18, William Shakespeare 

p/s: Song by Christina Perri, soundtrack for Breaking Dawn: Part 1

Heartbeats fast
Colors and promises
How to be brave
How can I love when I’m afraid to fall
But watching you stand alone
All of my doubt suddenly goes away somehow

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

Time stands still
Beauty in all she is
I will be brave
I will not let anything take away
What’s standing in front of me
Every breath
Every hour has come to this

One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed that I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

One step closer
One step closer

I have died everyday waiting for you
Darling don’t be afraid I have loved you
For a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more

And all along I believed I would find you
Time has brought your heart to me
I have loved you for a thousand years
I’ll love you for a thousand more