Goo bye, Goo bye, Goo bye.

“Someone, please hold me!

I’m falling deeper and deeper into this

Unending bottomless well

I’m cold. I’m freezing. I’m shaking.

Are these the signs that my time is up?

Will it end slowly or abruptly?”

I’m swirling like a tornado in the meadow

Grasping the air that feels nothing.

Am I even supposed to be here?

The lamp whispers to me: “Go away.”

Seductively.

But I’ve already drowned in its glow

That blinded the pair of balls

Permanently.

I’m losing myself again

Just like every other nights before.

Eliot might say that it’s a psychological journey

But I’m wide awake right now!

I can see everything but I saw nothing

Something is happening but what is the thing?

Is it the dried rose that spoke to me now?

“You’ve reach your limit boy.”

Maybe the crinkled petals are true

Maybe it’s time for me to let everything go as

Nature intended it to.

But nature is cruel (Isn’t it?)

Don’t ask me about it; let us make our final visit.

A vast piano is waiting to play a secret melody for me,

The voice that lure me like the mermaid song

Though it was never meant for me.

Finally, something good happened (accidentally)...

The chirping sound jolted me from this

Unending story.

Will it continue or end?

Only time will tell (As if it has a mouth!)

Back to December ~ lol

Hello guys... It has been quite some time since I last post something in this sanctuary. Well, a lot have took place throughout these days. The inter-house volleyball competition (an ongoing matches), my visit (finally) to my brother's house (cute nephew and niece too), the postponed Accounting test (still on hold), Literature's essays and presentation (Austen!!), the election for the new house committee and last but not least the news on house trip and the upcoming Dikir Barat & Traditional Dance 2011.

That's quite some list I might say (sigh). Now, I'm no longer the house secretary and I'm one of the advisory members of MCC (lol). No more events to be organised! What a relief. But still, culture and heritage is in my blood so I'll not hesitate to help as far as I could in any way. I wish that this year we will manage to win back the title for Dikir Barat & Traditional Dance. It is not going to be easy I know but with determination and full commitment, I'm sure that we can do it.

My short weekend trip to my brother's house proves to be beneficial. He's still recovering from his accident a year ago and he has made quite an impressive improvement. I'm so proud to call him my brother! He has also offered me to work with him after I finish my degree. Just a normal office job but it is still a work. Hope I would be a good helper then. He looks normal to me but from what he told me, I wonder why people can be so judgemental and hypocrite to these special people. Yes, they're special! He has to take a bus from his house to go to work even with his current condition. Thus, I put him on top of my idol list (well, maybe after my mom).

Volleyball! One of the sports that I can actually enjoy apart from bowling and netball (no discrimination okay - lol). Topaz have to face two very challenging games against Sapphire and Diamond. Thankfully we won both game, both with the rubber set. It's so tiring but I actually enjoy the games. Both of the teams are very good and they performed their best for their own particular house. Volleyball Rocks!

Studies... I think I have finally gain the momentum for my study session. There're a lot of things happened around me that made me think of myself. Is it worth to spend some time reading through the notes? Is it worth my time to do the exercises? Is it worth my money to study here? The answers are yes to all those questions. I will change my mind set right now so that I'll not regret whatever happened in the future.

I think that will do for now. Next time, I'll try to update the creative section (reminding me of the Yearbook, argghhhh). Take care guys and have a great day!

~Some might told you that you're a loser. Some might told you that you're late. But remember, life is full with miracle. Your life is what you made out of each second you breath. Hence, take the big step now for a big future ahead~

~ Aku Rindu

Aku rindu pada suara itu

Aku rindu pada perbualan itu

Aku rindu pada hubungan itu

Aku rindu saat kita dahulu

Berkongsi dan mengisi tiap-tiap rompong

yang terbit dalam hati yang gersang.

Akankah saat-saat indah itu kembali

mewarnai hidupku kini?

Bisakah aku berserah pada takdir:

Menunggu hingga kau kembali menegur kehadiranku,

Menunggu hingga kau kembali mengasihiku,

Menunggu hingga kau kembali menerimaku;

Selepas segala kesilapan yang tanpa sedar

telah aku lakukan.

Maafkan aku kasih

Kerna aku tidak bisa memutar semula waktu

Membawa kita semula ke taman yang indah

Yang telah kita cipta bersama

Kerna itu juga yang aku damba

Terimalah aku kembali!

Permohonan yang lahir jauh di lubuk sanubariku ini

Agar suatu hari nanti

Kita dapat bersama semula

Meniti ronak ranjau kehidupan

Mencipta rona dunia bercahaya

Khas buat kita berdua...

A happy ending??

This holiday season started with a bad notch for me as I have my second argument with someone. I know part of it is my fault but I have no intention of not contacting you. And now, I need to check my ym 24/7 to search for any signs of forgiveness from you. I'm so sorry but I seriously didn't have time to even take out my laptop from my bag and to update my status last Saturday. I'm so sorry that it upsets you so much and now I beg for your forgiveness.

It's like a living hell here for me to wait and wait for any sign of life from you. And consequently, it reflects my life too. I'm in daze everyday, hoping that one day you will talk to me again. And until that day come, I'll keep on praying that you will forgive me and that I'll have a chance to be in your life again.

Yesterday,

The blackness keeps me alive,

Comforting me like

no other mother could ever did,

Bringing a thousand sense of joy

into my dull life.

But today,

This darkness suffocates me to no end,

This silence is killing me to the bottom

of my white bone,

It is bottomless!

I longed for those laughs and 

I wish I'll hear it again,

Soon...

Maybe the last.

Hello guys. It's been such a long time since I last update my entry here. Below is something that I wrote for Wednesday last week as at that time my friend asked me to write down something positive. Well Adit, I'm sorry but I think this will be the last entry with a hint of positive connotation from me. I don't think I'm capable of producing something useful for others any more. So enjoy this bit...

Drama

Dulu aku sendiri

Membiar semua duri ini terus menusuk

Jauh ke dalam kalbuku

Dulu aku sendiri

Membiar tembok emas ini menutup

Permata dihadapan mataku

Dulu aku sendiri

Mencari kedamaian yang ku sangka azali

Dalam kegelapan yang makin membelenggu

Kini aku kaget dalam drama ciptaanku ini

Menjadi watak-watak yang ku beri makna tersendiri

Yang tak mungkin menjadi realiti

Yang menjadi gelanggang layar perak

Memuaskan kehendak jiwaku;

Perlukah itu?

Perlukah aku menyendiri?

Perlukah aku mengasingi?

Perlukah aku menjauhi?

Atau ini hanya permainan minda yang ku sangka hakiki.

Suatu masa nanti!

Sempatkah aku melihat masa itu

Merasa denyutan nadinya

Menghilang dalam kelembutan geraknya

Bersatu dengan gemalai detiknya...

Mampukah aku menanti

Kewujudan kuasa yang akan menarikku

Keluar dari kabus

Yang telah ku pupuk sebati

Menjadi sebahagian dari identiti diriku kini

Menimbus rompong kemanusiaan

Perlukah aku menanti?

Untuk siapa aku berdiri menghala ke destinasi

Pilihan aku sendiri

Untuk siapa aku bermimpi kebebasan abadi

Ciptaan ilahi

Untuk siapa aku bernafas menyekat tapis

Norma janji

Pastinya kini aku dewasa untuk

Terus mengorak langkah mencipta

Sejarah baru hidup dalam kawanan

Insan bernama manusia.

Dark-red veil

Never thought tonight will end

With that scary note; Cutting through my soul

Letting the green moisture drips to my knee

I’ve fought for this long enough

Hoping one bright day might finally come

Immersing my life

To be taken to the next world peacefully

These eyes have shown me the truth

Of that ugly monster hiding

Inside that stunning angel

That devil wrapped neatly

Under those wrinkle; Oh, have mercy!

You can dig my heart to be left opened

You can crush my feeling to be thrown

You can tear my skin to fed the unknown

But you’ll never be safe

For I know your weaken soul

For I crave that bloody bode

For I swear on that stone

I’ll take my revenge

Once and for all.

(Don't be scared by this peeps. This was written months ago.)

Will and hope

Is it time yet for me

Is this the end of the suffering?

Is this the perfect answer?

Or is it the only way out of this cage

No one knows the exact reason but me

And why is it left hanging by this fractured thread

Do I have a reason to live?

Do I have any motivation left?

Why do me questioning this life

Am I that ungrateful?

Or I simply do not care as the wind blow anymore

Each breath I took

Each step I created

Each memory I carved

Each touch I craved

Each faith I once believed

Each eye that have been the silent killer

Each of those is now meaningless

As I don’t have any will to correct them

Letting them stroke by the gentle thunder

As if they could shatter this malice

Into pieces

Come what may

I’m letting this free

To fly and soar to the front of the heaven’s door

As that’s as far as I’m allowed to go...